Not afraid to start (again)

I've been planning to write my first blog post for three weeks now. I'm not planning, I'm actually looking forward to it... but already three weeks!

Finally, I have a new vision and I'm excited about it. Sharing my ordinary life with a glimpse into my "mental backstage" and making it an extraordinary, almost nakedly sincere reading experience. To show how it works in the mind of someone who lost mental health, then healed it, and now has no intention of giving it up. Mental health, like physical health, needs to be looked after on a daily basis and I want to open up my mental backstage to show people how differently, or just how equally, we experience things and where all those years of not dealing with it are imprinted on us. Mental wellbeing is something I will consciously have to take care of for the rest of my life, it is not automatic. But it's not just me, we all have to do it, so I suppose we'll see each other quite often in that backstage.

Anyway, if I mean it, I can't publish an article that I haven't been able to write for a month and not admit to it first. Even though I originally wanted to start the blog with something else, this will be an admission of my inability to take the first steps down the path I've so enthusiastically chosen.

A question of priority

So why can't I get started? Sure, we all know the concept of procrastination, but I don't think it's that simple. We usually procrastinate on something we don't want to do. However, I can feel how much I look forward to writing and how happy I'll be if I do it. But when it comes down to it, I always find something more important that has to be done first, and just then I can start to write. It's like I expect to have peace of mind about writing afterward. The only problem is that I make similar decisions four times a day, and it's 11 at night. Writing is just never a priority for me.

Am I just lazy?

Is that just who I am? Am I lazy? Well, I guess we all have periods where we don't quite shine with productivity, we have to push ourselves to do things and then we feel lazy. However, that doesn't say anything about us. I myself claim to have accomplished more by 25 than some people do in a lifetime, and I don't think I could do that with laziness. Schools, training, competitions, working around 30 horses, band rehearsals, concerts, recording, music videos. I know I can work hard.

Check the intention

Do I have the good motivation? I think so. Internally I really relate to it and I think for the first time in my life I'm not so much interested in some "success" at the end, but the process and the journey itself, plus it's a public service activity. I know I'm going to do it, even if it won't take the internet by storm, because it's also therapy for myself. In addition, even the little I have done in this direction to date has met with interest. So what the hell am I waiting for?!

Negative motivation instead of kindness

I'm angry again, and I get angry at myself a lot for it. I berate myself for being embarrassing, because I have so much more time than other people, and I am still not able to force myself to the action. Oh, I'm cursing and comparing myself...that's definitely not the way out. I'm not motivating myself in a positive way, it reeks of an old pattern. Plus, now I'm remembering a moment when I was excitedly preparing a post announcing an upcoming blog and then I stopped and started attacking myself along the lines of "Well, just famously announce your plans, and then you'll be embarrassing yourself because you won't be able to write if you can't even get started." It just pops in there all by itself. It's a pattern. Why am I ruining my own enjoyment of something I'm excited about? Why am I putting myself down? It's probably healthier to say, "It's good that you're happy and try to motivate yourself with a public announcement. It'll give you a boost and help with the discipline."

Dig deeper

We don't have the answer to why I'm mad at myself, so we have to look beyond that. What is the most commonly hidden emotion behind anger, as a merely produced emotion and not a primary one? Fear, of course. Is there something to be afraid of? Now? Not really, but you can't explain that things are different now to your brain. It's only digging through experiences it already knows. And there are two stories from the past that he devoted all his energy and emotions to, and the results weren't very positive.

The first story (equestrian sport) was done from when I was around age 0 to 23, and its painful and involuntary ending healed so badly and for so long that it started my first period of depression. The second story (music) from around age 15 to 30 was also stellar, but eventually, it all spiraled into a very dark, very dangerous place, and quitting was my only way to survive... literally. Plus, with music, I had to face a significant amount of internet hate at a vulnerable age, back when no one has known the term "internet hate" yet. I didn't know how to deal with it and I think it really disrupted my self-perception and my interactions with people. I've spent my whole career creating stuff with this subconscious belief that no one was interested so everything was an internal struggle.

Bingo, but very deep and dark Bingo

Even though today I know that all of this was essential for me to become who I am today, the pains were so intense that they are buried somewhere in the back of my mind and deeply inscribed in my reactive patterns. My reactions and behavior are controlled by the fear that it will hurt again, that it will be useless again, that no one will be interested. Therefore, it is safer to discourage me, to put it on hold forever, to demotivate myself, to scold myself, and to confirm my idea that I am useless and can't handle it, by setting myself a ridiculous amount of tasks.

This process is gonna take a long time, and I don't have a clear plan yet for how to overcome this and clean up the old programming so I can fulfill my new nature. I just know that the first step will be not to swear at myself, but to embrace the wounded striving girl inside me who is eligible for all that fear after all, and motivate her in a positive way. I will be kind to her and lead her by the hand out of this dark cage that no longer serves her.

Oh, man! What is happening to me? I've got giant tears rolling down my face, I'm shaking and my breathing is uneven. So it looks like I'm on to it. I've touched something real and alive. When I thought writing would be therapy for me, I didn't know it would be so instantaneous. Phew...it's so powerful. At least I got my first step done, though.

---

If you've made it this far, thank you so much. I'll be grateful for your companionship and support on this journey. I believe we will have a lot to give each other. And I promise I will try to be briefer, but some days it just doesn't seem to be possible 😉