First time on vacation?

When I first think of this question, I giggle a little and wink lovingly at myself at the same time. It fits like a glove. This year our vacation was a great lesson in humbleness for me, a transformative experience, and a confirmation of my "witchcraft" all at once. I'll try to describe it clearly so perhaps someone can learn a lesson from me, who got a little distracted and longed for the comfort of my previous self. I didn't get away with it.

It wasn't my first vacation, nor my first time at the seaside, nor my first time in Portugal. On the contrary, I have been there just about 6 years ago with a bunch of friends and I brought back memories of beautiful places where I said to myself that one day I would return to enjoy it in a more relaxed mode and preferably with my partner. Well yeah, but a lot happens in 6 years, you do change quite a bit and you've also been to more places in 6 years than before, so you have a very different travel calibration. Plus, our brains adjust our memories and the expectations we form from them may be slightly different from reality. No kidding, I remembered it a little more beautiful than it really was :D

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Lesson #1: Just because you liked it somewhere x years ago doesn't necessarily mean you will like it now.

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But I know the reason I picked this one this year. I wanted to simplify it, I wanted to reach for certainty and eliminate the possibility of unpleasant surprises, but paradoxically that's exactly what I prepared for myself. Not to be mean to myself though, I forgive myself because I kindly understand where it came from. This year I'm really exhausted. After a long period of resting from "work", I am putting a lot on my plate this year, probably the most I've ever experienced, and I just wanted to lay low. I exceed my comfort zone almost daily and somehow I've convinced myself that this vacation will be a comfortable rest without effort and that things will work themselves out. Well, this is where you start to better understand the "First time on vacation?" question. Because only someone who hasn't really been on one can expect that a vacation is an effortless pleasure in his comfort zone :D

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My lesson #2 is: A vacation is always, in its own way, a journey out of your comfort zone. If you want peace of mind, then take time off and just stay home.

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I should have taken the workload and the tiredness more into account. And our whole changed circumstances, actually. We used to be total vacation kings, Jan and I. All of them went perfectly well, we enjoyed them from the first minute, they were really action-packed and it was hard to return home. But that was at a time when we were dealing with a lot of problems with ourselves, we were not happy with where we were in life, we were re-evaluating our activities, and we were living in a place that we were escaping from at every opportunity. Today we are doing great, we are both fulfilled to the point of being absorbed in what we do at home, and with a new dog family member, we live in a place where others go on vacation. So the instant holiday feeling didn't happen this time and my body asked for a total shutdown as soon as we arrived, putting me to bed with a migraine for 2 days.

The following days in the new environment nothing went smoothly. Restaurants, swimming, weather, sightseeing, it was all somehow too complicated and I didn't want to deal with it. But at the same time, I had an exact idea of what "my Portugal" was supposed to look like, and I didn't want to compromise on that. God forbid anyone who is as tired as I was, but at the same time suffers from perfectionism and an excessive need to be in control, like me. I wanted to have it like we used to have it, only I didn't realize that I wasn't like I used to be and that it is totally fine. It took me a few days to realize this and shift into my needs-of-the-moment mode, which was to just relax and not worry about anything. In other words, I had to explain to myself that lying on the beach all day on vacation and listening to an audiobook is not a performance failure, it's the actual VACATION!

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The main lesson: Every year you go on holiday for the first time. The first time as the person you are today, with the needs and desires you have today. For the first time, you're leaving from the internal and external conditions you have today, and therefore enjoying completely different things than you once did is perfectly okay. Respect your path, and leave your old self in the past.

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But there was one magical thing in all this unfortunate on my part. In my relaxation mode, I had time to dig deeper within myself and ask the right questions. Thanks to them, a whirlwind of events was set in motion upon our return home which resulted in many inner revelations. But I also experienced one completely instantaneous revelation when, while still on the beach, I identified the thoughts that were triggering my migraine. Yes, it's that feeling of failing and losing control. I also immediately figured out how to communicate with myself in that situation, so that my autopilot would stop thinking that it was somehow helping or providing me with protection from this migraine. In the last month, my migraine hasn't returned once. We all have this ability, we all know the answers to our questions, and we just have to start asking them the right way. It's just a little scary lately how quickly it's been working for me. Jan says he's not surprised, he's known I'm a witch for a long time.

It was a nice vacation after all. In a few situations at the beginning I felt ashamed of myself, but today I see it from a new perspective. I needed to push it out a bit to the edge so I could see more clearly where to focus my future work on myself. When one doesn't scare oneself and turn a blind eye to it, one can process any situation in such a way that one always comes out of it positive, better, stronger.

And so it happened and the second week was 100% better. We enjoyed the ocean, understood how things work there, where and how to eat, that the Portuguese perception of cappuccino is just different, that cities don't stroke our souls either in foreign countries, and which cheap port wine is good. Simply the essential things. Our personal holiday recommendation is definitely to go on holiday for at least 2 weeks. It takes a while for all the stress and strain of everyday responsibilities to wear off, and for the person to even notice that they're on vacation. Allowing myself the first few days of vacation with no regrets by just staying in bed will be my new way of expressing self-love. Because you can, and especially when you need it!