Leaving with a tidy soul

So we are all back home from the Cultural Reggae Vibez festival in Hořice. I think it was a bit special for everyone involved because of the two-year pandemic break. But it was also extra special for me as it was my first time going as the new Kenta ( and with a puppy). I am full of it, so I choose to write an article instead of an excruciatingly long post.

Why is Hořice special? First of all, it is officially the biggest reggae event in our country. Not only that you can enjoy the majority of Czech and Slovak artists and DJs in two or three days, but also quite big foreign names from Europe and beyond are presented on both stages. But all this has its own specific charm. It's all quite punk.

Imagine 2 stages with professional sound. One big with everything and the other smaller soundsystem style with the fanciest dub soundsystem wall from Raggaultras (huge handmade speakers tuned to bass music) that you can see, and most importantly hear in our country. It's all set in the Hořice quarry, which you rather think of as a forest under a rock, where everybody camps, and when it rains, the main roads turn into a mess with very specific mud. The mud is unique. Its stickiness is friendly and once it mixes with all spilled beer, from Saturday afternoon onwards, it smells the same every year. The whole thing is lined with stalls selling themed clothing and jewelry, good (more like veggie) food, coffee, tea, spreads, and beer. Throw in about 30 dogs and a varying number of people in various stages of intoxication with various things, but they're all so cool that you can chat with everyone, even if you might not understand their words anymore, and you've got the full picture. I guess the beautiful nature around there just pushes it all to another level of being.

It's also a bit special to me that my first participation in 2014 was a bit unfortunately iconic and most of the music scene remembered my name because of it. Every year, several people eagerly retell me their experience of waiting for the arrival of the scene's new discovery - the girl who ethereally floats through a cornfield in a dress and turban on the cover of her demo and sings conscious lyrics. However, a rather wasted lady showed up at the fest, who celebrated her just-passed exam in an air-conditioned car with a bottle of gin and couldn't handle the transition to 30 degrees outside. So she had a nap backstage (meaning under a rock) for 2 hours in the fallen leaves, 30 min before the concert she woke up, had a burger, and then pretty much smashed everyone who came to see how tragic she would be in her condition with a very good performance. I still don't know if that was more of a shame or if those people actually remembered me with admiration. It always entertains me to hear it again. It really does. This year I just wondered if it would have been the same hullabaloo if I were a guy. Probably not, because they come in wasted as fuck quite often and no one cares. So hopefully it's all stayed in everyone's head because of that good performance, right. 😊

So how was it this year? I'm not going to lie, the week before the festival I had mixed feelings. Will I even be able to sing the whole concert? How will I feel singing on stage now? How will I handle having 5 people come to the show because I'll be playing early again? How will people look at me when they read my articles? Should we rather leave the puppy at home? Well, there was a lot, but apart from admitting it out loud once, I tried to put all these thoughts on hold until the right moment. The right moment is when you actually deal with things when things actually happen. Certainly not a week ahead with the willing help of a catastrophically-creative brain. That only creates anxiety and never, ever really, ever comes up with a solution because logically you lack real input on a situation that hasn't happened yet.

It was all different from the beginning when I didn't worry about being late. It was just here and now, the journey's a part of the trip, you want to enjoy it, you have no deadline. We were surprised by the doggo, who behaved beyond our expectations perfectly (calm master, calm dog) and after a few hours, we put him in the trunk of the car, where he has his second "kennel", and went to enjoy the evening with the occasional walks.

No, we didn't forget how to have fun and dance. No, we didn't develop a social phobia. It had a lovely vibe of all the people who were happy to see each other again and share all the good and bad that had happened to them over the two years. This year it felt really humane. It seemed like these people had somehow grown up faster than normal in those two years. Is it the pandemic or my new perception?

My articles were not once "that weird thing to avoid in conversation". On the contrary, I found that a lot of people resonated with it and weren't afraid to tell me their perspectives, their own experiences, and troubles. It was more of a "conversation starter" or better a "conversation deepener". And I suddenly didn't feel so alone in it, no different. Unfortunately, today I am not able to judge whether I had been saying this even before and I just didn't hear it, or whether my articles really gave people the courage to share more (at least with me). They are all obviously dealing with similar situations to the one I dealt with. We all just have different amounts of emotions and trauma involved. And surprisingly, not one person has told me I'm too soft or a quitter. Everyone was understanding and respectful and I am extremely grateful for that. I even heard from one tough guy that my articles helped him to realize something, to look at things a little differently. Could it have turned out better?

It could and it did. My concert on Saturday was great. True, I started out playing for about 7 people, but soon I had a nice group dancing with me, and eventually, our stage was full. I had a great time, the singing was great, the collaboration with DJ Disko-P was epic as always, and I had almost zero nerves before playing. This may have been more due to my body being in the mode of maintaining vital functions after 4 hours of sleep (you dance until 6 and the dog wakes you up at 10), but it worked and I clearly still had plenty of energy for the concert.

I really saw the whole thing through different eyes all of a sudden. It was peaceful, joyful, and without a fight. This place is a great place to leave. Well, you didn't think I was going to write now that I've completely changed my mind about quitting the music, did you? I feel like I've at least cleaned up before leaving, and I'm leaving feeling good and settled, rather than with unconfronted pain and weird paranoid scenarios in my head. I'm somewhere else now, though. My writing and my future work have more meaning and impact on me and I really want to devote my focus, time, and energy to it. It fulfills me, it entertains me, and it pleases me. And I'm pretty proud of myself that, even though it hasn't quite gone my way twice in my life, I'm once again taking on something big with my whole being without fear, skepticism, or emergency brakes. Because I have something I didn't have before.

Self-love, self-esteem, and self-care.