How many (un)friends you have so much you respect yourself
- Kenta z konce světa
- Feb 28, 2022
- 6 min read
Sorting out your inner world is fantastic and incredibly liberating. I'm glad that it's becoming quite audible and that people are motivating other people to take back control of their own lives. But promoting anything usually doesn't draw much attention to the downsides of the "product". With personal development, those downsides can be pretty scary and can stop you from making any kind of progress for a long time. Everyone tells you it's going to be difficult, but no one will admit to how much. For example, such " let go" is easy to say but much harder to execute, especially when it involves our friends.
Friendship is very valuable to me. I don't see it as just fun and having a beer together. We need each other as people and having someone by your side who has honestly known you for many years and has seen you through better and worse times, is a treasure. Such a person can give you great feedback and a portion of a feeling safe. However, I am a realist and I know that with any relationship comes work as well. There will be times when we have a different opinion or disagree with something of the other party, but those are just opportunities to practice communication, constructive criticism, and being open to a different perspective. That is when we educate, teach, enrich and grow each other through friendship. However, this ideal friendship status is only possible under one condition. The other party must have the same conscious view of it, and that is also the explanation why so few really good friends exist.
Sorry not sorry, but the more I see into people's souls, very few are conscious (person who thinks about why and how he does things). It's ok, everyone is at some point in their journey, so nobody is any better or worse. But if you're one of the people who really work on themselves in terms of dealing with their inner world and being deeply honest to themselves, get ready for many people to walk away. At some stage, you will feel very lonely and very strange that you are no longer getting along with many people. There were times when I even wondered if I was starting to have a kind of spiritual/developmental superiority syndrome because the number of "leavers" was frightening. Letting go of friends who have accompanied you through life for, let's say, the last 15 years, is not a joyful experience. But as time goes on, you'll figure out that it's not about superiority, it's about finding your own value and your own boundaries. It's a sign of a person in the healing process.
I have to admit that sometimes the "unnecessary departures" still affect me too much. When someone stops communicating because of a long separation, a different opinion, a silly misunderstanding. Sure, these people probably aren't worth it anyway, but I feel terrible about the futility of breaking a human bond, and I'm sad about it. This is where I have to work for myself, let go Kenta, let go! But what's the trickiest case is stealthily toxic people.
A stealthily toxic person isn't toxic because they want to be that way. He's unhappy by himself, he's missing something, he's worried about something, he's doubtful, he's insecure. But he is not addressing or does not want to address the reason why something is wrong, he is just frustrated. And sooner or later this frustration will start to seep into his actions and reactions, and if he can't separate this within himself from the outside world, it will start to affect you as his friend. You are the one who is closest, he knows you and it will be easy for him to subtly offset his frustrations at you. It can also go the other way. You've been getting along for a while, but suddenly you make a move, change something, achieve something, and that feeling of being insecure is awakened within him by you. But the effect is the same.
Micro remarks, snide comments, strange questions, slightly different reactions and actions begin to appear. Just sometimes, just a little, just subtly. Most will be played for laughs or after a minute, they're pretending no one actually said it, and the mood of the conversation is back. At first, you don't even notice it, but later you start to realize that there's an occasional few-second emotion in your interactions that you're not comfortable with. But before you can analyze it, everything is back in place, and you move on. Furthermore, we often convince ourselves that we are probably the ones who are sensitive and are overreacting to things, and in doing so, we, unfortunately, give the other person a free pass to continue and to reinforce their position.
A person with healthy self-esteem can stand up for himself and tell the other person non-confrontationally when one feels uncomfortable about something. But few people are really able to do that. Besides, he is our friend whom we love, so we don't look for anything deeper behind it, plus he tries to be extremely nice in other areas. "That's just the way he is." But when it goes on for a long time, it creates a block or doubt in yourself, and I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but that's exactly what the person in question was trying to do, whether consciously or subconsciously. To deprive you of the joy of something that he himself does not possess. To make you uncomfortable where he himself is uncomfortable about your confidence. In short, he envies you something, he doesn't want to feel bad about himself alone, something about you makes him question himself, or he empowers himself with the humiliation of you. This is what our (un)friends do.
It can take an incredibly long time to realize that something is wrong. Before we realize that you shouldn't be stressed before having friends come over, whether it's tidy enough, whether you're going to embarrass yourself with dinner, whether your shirt is wrinkled, whether you're laughing too loudly in the bar, whether you can dance on the table, whether your outdoor gear is too old. You shouldn't be afraid to say you can't afford dinner at this place right now, why you can't go to the seaside this year, why you had a fight with your parents, why you broke up with your partner, why you don't want to go anywhere today. Because we let ourselves be pushed into all this and all kinds of other pretenses, just to avoid unpleasant comments from our "friends". Life is just too complicated to try to be a "conforming" version of yourself in front of people who are supposed to be close to you.
In an ideal world, we would be able to stand up for ourselves, lovingly point out the problem to the other person and ask them if everything is OK on their side. Friends are also learners, and the perfect friend is not the one who does nothing wrong, but the one who has an honest dialogue with you, shares their feelings, can apologize, and if they communicate something unpleasant, they do it in the most gentle way possible in an environment that is safe for both of you and wants to hear your side of the story. This is not unrealistic, but very rare.
Celebrate every clearing of the air even years later, don't be afraid to take the first step once in a while if it's worth it, and put love, energy, and vulnerability into your friendship. But guard your boundaries, and if you're not feeling comfortable somewhere, or the other party won't talk it out, or even questions your emotions ("Oh please, you're making such a big deal out of it."), let it go. You have a right to do so, and you are showing yourself that you know your value and have respect for yourself. Maybe they'll return to you someday when they catch up with you, maybe they won't. But you will always remain true to yourself, and you will always be surrounded by people who respect you the way you respect yourself. Endlessly ignoring the stealth toxicity of our (un)friends hinders our forward progress. Clearing them out of our circles is often painful, but it's the only way to make room for new friends whose energy and mindset match our new self.
For the idea of the theme, I thank my dear friend Zuzana, a woman who has been in my life for 20 years in periods when we were extremely close and when we were a bit distant but always found our way back to each other. I love you and I'm very proud of you. 💜
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